“Hello, Nick Bruining speaking.”
“Maaaaate.”
“Hello?”
“Maaaaate, Gazza Smith here, I just heard that you’re going out on your own and thought I might drop by to say hello and explain some of the new products we have.”
“Gazza Who?”
“Gazza Smith, we met at the FPA conference in Cairns at the dinner on the last night.”
You gotta be joking, I can’t even remember the flight home two days later!
Well, it now seems I’m everyone’s maaaate. As I said in my first installment, lemmings are loveable creatures and it just seems that we are the most loved by business development managers from the various purveyors of fine trusts and financial instruments.
Perhaps they have favourite lemming pin-ups, circulating amongst the BDM’s of Australian fund managers. I can just see them at conferences with a photo collection.
“I caught this one here before they developed their own master trust.”
“Yeah, this big bastard ended up going to Navigator.”
I love the way they sail in with an arm full of new prospectuses and brochures and announce that they have just brought out a brand new product. “An allocated pension!”
“But all of your competitors have had one for the last five years.”
“Yeah, but ours is different, we’ve got an option to invest in the Peruvian stock market.”
Great. One of my colleagues has a unique approach. His discussions with BDMs go something like this.
“Hey maaaaaate, I’m just wondering if I can pop out and see you next week.”
“What for?”
“I’ve just been appointed as the BDM for the region and I’d like to meet you.”
“What happened to wasisface?”
“He was the BDM 5 BDMs ago – he left in February.”
“Ok, listen. What are you bringing? You got any pens, golf balls, hats, umbrellas?”
If its only pens, he gets to visit the receptionist. Golf Balls gets him to see the Paraplanner and for an umbrella, it’s my mate’s PA.
Two tickets to the Phantom of the Opera in another state’s capital city and he’s in, he gets a 30 minute appointment with my buddy.
The downside of this approach is that when you actually need their help, you don’t know who to call.
Anyway, I’ve had a few visits of late and for the most part, they’ve been pretty informative. It’s certainly a different world once you become (or are about to become) a lemming.
I would dearly love to sign their direct credit forms but alas dear reader the tragedy of this installment, there has been a delay. Yes, a delay in the lodgement of my application.
The forms have been completed, the security bond in place, the mini essay is ready, the printing presses for the new letterheads are ready to roll. Hell, I even bought an express envelope to return transfer letters and my old proper authority to Hillross.
All to no avail.
The problem is one of Bazza’s mates. Yep, the bloody accountants – again.
How hard can it be? All I need is a set of management accounts not less than 14 days old to send in with the application. My only problem is that the bugger takes 15 days to return my phone calls. I’m a day behind before I’ve even started. I guess he’s not a member of the Bazza’s CWA mob but jeez Bazza, do ya reckon you could do something here?
I’m sure Efram Zimbalist Jnr (introduced last time as the mild mannered licensing officer for a great metropolitan bureacracy) has given up waiting. One advantage may be that he’s been transferred to a happier place and he’s taken his white board with him.
Either way, we’re looking at a four week delay before the paperwork is in and I’m sure glad I didn’t poke my tongue out at the nice, lovely chap, the wonderfully warm gentlemen from Hillross who still hasn’t asked for his PA back.
I suppose I shouldn’t be too upset, this is a great time of the year. Easter’s in the air, the chocolate factories are cranked up, the kids are back at school and yes, it’s the start of the tax effective investment season.
Personally, I’m a great fan of the Venezualan yak milk yoghurt farm.
Based in the Gibson desert, the farm produces most of the world’s yak milk yoghurt. There’s a unique flavour to it because they blend it with a mixture of emu and ostrich oils and it’s packed in a special container made from disused tee tree bark.
VERY marketable.
I’ve learned a few tricks though. Firstly, you don’t need to stick $20,000 in a bank account with Alan Cameron as the sole signatory. You can take out this dandy little thing called a surety bond. It’s basically an insurance policy which costs a few hundred a year.
Secondly, research and software is a competitive market. People do deals out there and it’s worth getting a few quotes.
Thirdly, make friends with other lemmings who have recently jumped. There’s plenty of information to be had and most are more than happy to help each other with tricks and tips. Make a point of attending a few FPA functions and sniffing out lemmings. They’re easy to spot. They drive a heap for a car, collect left over pens after the functions (for the kids, you must understand), and smile a lot.
